If you’ve ever had a mentor ghost you, then you must have asked yourself this question. You may or may not know why your mentor suddenly doesn’t call you, pick your calls or ask you to volunteer or represent them at functions, or tell you of opportunities that will help you in your journey.
As both a mentor and a mentee, I can tell you from experience that it happens to a lot of people, even the best of people, and that you’re not alone.
There are cases where you decide to ghost a mentor for your own reasons, but this post is not about that. This is about why your mentor or would-be mentor, would ghost you. I’ll list out some of the reasons and maybe you may find an answer from the list or it’ll help you search deeper.
They tested you and you failed. There are a plethora of tests you could be given, and I cannot mention them all, but you get the point.
Maybe you misrepresented them.
Maybe you told a secret to someone you were supposed to keep.
Maybe you gossiped about them to another of your mentors and they heard.
Maybe they entrusted you with a task and you didn’t carry it out or do it well.
Maybe you shared a screenshot of a conversation they had with you, with someone else.
Maybe you lied against them.
Maybe you were in the midst of people bad-mouthing them and you said nothing.
Maybe they gave you advise or solutions to your problems and you didn’t carry it out.
Maybe you didn’t trust them enough to help you with something you know they’re good at, instead, went to someone else with the same skills and experiences as them.
Maybe you were impatient.
Maybe you were disrespectful.
Maybe you failed to follow instructions to the letter.
Maybe you were proud and haughty.
Maybe you took their kindness for granted.
Maybe the spirit of see-finish enveloped you and you forgot your place.
Maybe you began to have entitlement mentality and expected them to give and give and give, without you serving in return.
Maybe you expected them to devote their whole time and energy to you because you either think they have no life and exist to only solve people’s problems, or you think you’re their only mentee.
Maybe you haven’t worked on yourself as you should and you haven’t learned to not be negative about stuff, and nobody wants to hang out with people with negative vibes.
You always say stuff cannot be done. It’s too expensive. It’s too hard. Nigeria is no place for that. I can’t, I cannot, I will not.
Maybe you do not see or buy into their vision and their causes. You do not understand their passions and so do not know how to help.
When you’re given tasks, you see them as your mentor taking advantage of you, instead of seeing learning opportunities and a chance to grow.
You want to be their best friend too soon. You have failed to slowly earn your place at the table. You have not washed our hands, yet you want to eat with the elders.
You get sidetracked with emotional feelings and want to turn your mentor-mentee relationship into an intimate one, whether married or single. This is one of the biggest reasons why mentor-mentee relationships fail.
CAVEAT: (It’s natural to develop feelings for people, we’re human. But know your place and know how to not act on those feelings if you intend to keep your mentor-mentee relationship)
Maybe you began the mentor-mentee relationship with the hopes of having an intimate relationship (I refrain from using the word that would explain this better, but you’re above 18, you get the point).
People are not stupid. They will smell your BS from a mile away. They may give you time to have sense and correct yourself, and if you don’t, they will drop the ball on you.
You disrespect and have no regard for their family, their friends and their private lives. You don’t know where to draw your boundaries.
You ask extremely personal questions. You buy intimate gifts, especially for mentors of the opposite sex. You want to know their house address and stop by unannounced or uninvited.
You gossip about your other mentors to them. Guess what? If you can gossip about other people to them, chances are that you’re gossiping about them to other people.
Mentorship is built on trust. If your mentor cannot trust you to be mature, competent and excellent, they will pull away from you and don’t expect that they owe you anything. No one does. They can’t afford to have you tarnish their reputation or drain their energy.
Mentor-mentee relationships take time to build. Don’t start expecting something from someone simply because you know them. Don’t start calling out of the blue simply because you have their number.
Never ever drop by their house unless you are invited. Take initiative to understand their vision and causes and give yourself to service whenever you can.
As you grow, you will become a mentor too. Take these lessons to heart. Never let your new position make you feel like you deserve to be treated differently. You’ll always still be a mentee, so act like one when you’re with your mentor.
Today I have tons of mentees who volunteer for my causes at the drop of a hat. That doesn’t stop me from carrying bags, being a PA, running errands and submitting to my mentors’ demands.
That’s how you gain favour and get remembered when opportunities open up.
Who knows, you may actually become friends with your mentor, like Fela Durotoye and Steve Harris, or even get married to one, like….
Oya, go back to what you were doing.
